A Mysterious Visit

The first notice that was taken of me when I "settled down" recently was by a gentleman who said he was an assessor, and connected with the U. S. Internal Revenue Department. I said I had never heard of his branch of business before, but I was very glad to see him all the same. Would he sit down? He sat down. I did not know anything particular to say, and yet I felt that people who have arrived at the dignity of keeping house must be conversational, must be easy and sociable in company. So, in default of anything else to say, I asked him if he was opening his shop in our neighborhood.

He said he was. [I did not wish to appear ignorant, but I had hoped he would mention what he had for sale.]

I ventured to ask him "How was trade?" And he said "So-so."

I then said we would drop in, and if we liked his house as well as any other, we would give him our custom.

He said he thought we would like his establishment well enough to confine ourselves to it--said he never saw anybody who would go off and hunt up another man in his line after trading with him once.

That sounded pretty complacent, but barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

I do not know how it came about exactly, but gradually we appeared to melt down and run together, conversationally speaking, and then everything went along as comfortably as clockwork.

We talked, and talked, and talked--at least I did; and we laughed, and laughed, and laughed--at least he did. But all the time I had my presence of mind about me--I had my native shrewdness turned on "full head," as the engineers say. I was determined to find out all about his business in spite of his obscure answers--and I was determined I would have it out of him without his suspecting what I was at. I meant to trap him with a deep, deep ruse. I would tell him all about my own business, and he would naturally so warm to me during this seductive burst of confidence that he would forget himself, and tell me all about his affairs before he suspected what I was about. I thought to myself, My son, you little know what an old fox you are dealing with. I said:

"Now you never would guess what I made lecturing this winter and last spring?"

"No--don't believe I could, to save me. Let me see--let me see. About two thousand dollars, maybe? But no; no, sir, I know you couldn't have made that much. Say seventeen hundred, maybe?"

"Ha! ha! I knew you couldn't. My lecturing receipts for last spring and this winter were fourteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. What do you think of that?"

"Why, it is amazing-perfectly amazing. I will make a note of it. And you say even this wasn't all?"

"All! Why bless you, there was my income from the Daily Warwhoop for four months--about--about--well, what should you say to about eight thousand dollars, for instance?"

"Say! Why, I should say I should like to see myself rolling in just such another ocean of affluence. Eight thousand! I'll make a note of it. Why man!--and on top of all this am I to understand that you had still more income?"

"Ha! ha! ha! Why, you're only in the suburbs of it, so to speak. There's my book, The Innocents Abroad price $3.50 to $5, according to the binding. Listen to me. Look me in the eye. During the last four months and a half, saying nothing of sales before that, but just simply during the four months and a half, we've sold ninety-five thousand copies of that book. Ninety-five thousand! Think of it. Average four dollars a copy, say. It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars, my son. I get half."

"The suffering Moses! I'll set that down. Fourteen-seven-fifty--eight- two hundred. Total, say--well, upon my word, the grand total is about two hundred and thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars! Is that possible?"

"Possible! If there's any mistake it's the other way. Two hundred and fourteen thousand, cash, is my income for this year if I know how to cipher."

Then the gentleman got up to go. It came over me most uncomfortably that maybe I had made my revelations for nothing, besides being flattered into stretching them considerably by the stranger's astonished exclamations. But no; at the last moment the gentleman handed me a large envelope, and said it contained his advertisement; and that I would find out all about his business in it; and that he would be happy to have my custom-would, in fact, be proud to have the custom of a man of such prodigious income; and that he used to think there were several wealthy men in the city, but when they came to trade with him he discovered that they barely had enough to live on; and that, in truth, it had been such a weary, weary age since he had seen a rich man face to face, and talked to him, and touched him with his hands, that he could hardly refrain from embracing me--in fact, would esteem it a great favor if I would let him embrace me.

This so pleased me that I did not try to resist, but allowed this simple- hearted stranger to throw his arms about me and weep a few tranquilizing tears down the back of my neck. Then he went his way.

As soon as he was gone I opened his advertisement. I studied it attentively for four minutes. I then called up the cook, and said:

"Hold me while I faint! Let Marie turn the griddle-cakes."

By and by, when I came to, I sent down to the rum-mill on the corner and hired an artist by the week to sit up nights and curse that stranger, and give me a lift occasionally in the daytime when I came to a hard place.

Ah, what a miscreant he was! His "advertisement" was nothing in the world but a wicked tax-return--a string of impertinent questions about my private affairs, occupying the best part of four fools-cap pages of fine print-questions, I may remark, gotten up with such marvelous ingenuity that the oldest man in the world couldn't understand what the most of them were driving at--questions, too, that were calculated to make a man report about four times his actual income to keep from swearing to a falsehood. I looked for a loophole, but there did not appear to be any. Inquiry No. 1 covered my case as generously and as amply as an umbrella could cover an ant-hill:

What were your profits, during the past year, from any trade,
business, or vocation, wherever carried on?

And that inquiry was backed up by thirteen others of an equally searching nature, the most modest of which required information as to whether I had committed any burglary or highway robbery, or, by any arson or other secret source of emolument had acquired property which was not enumerated in my statement of income as set opposite to inquiry No. 1.

It was plain that that stranger had enabled me to make a goose of myself. It was very, very plain; and so I went out and hired another artist. By working on my vanity, the stranger had seduced me into declaring an income of two hundred and fourteen thousand dollars. By law, one thousand dollars of this was exempt from income tax--the only relief I could see, and it was only a drop in the ocean. At the legal five per cent., I must pay to the government the sum of ten thousand six hundred and fifty dollars, income tax!

[I may remark, in this place, that I did not do it.]

I am acquainted with a very opulent man, whose house is a palace, whose table is regal, whose outlays are enormous, yet a man who has no income, as I have often noticed by the revenue returns; and to him I went for advice in my distress. He took my dreadful exhibition of receipts, he put on his glasses, he took his pen, and presto!--I was a pauper! It was the neatest thing that ever was. He did it simply by deftly manipulating the bill of "DEDUCTIONS." He set down my "State, national, and municipal taxes" at so much; my "losses by shipwreck; fire, etc.," at so much; my "losses on sales of real estate"--on "live stock sold"--on "payments for rent of homestead"--on "repairs, improvements, interest"--on "previously taxed salary as an officer of the United States army, navy, revenue service," and other things. He got astonishing "deductions" out of each and every one of these matters--each and every one of them. And when he was done he handed me the paper, and I saw at a glance that during the year my income, in the way of profits, had been one thousand two hundred and fifty dollars and forty cents.

"Now," said he, "the thousand dollars is exempt by law. What you want to do is to go and swear this document in and pay tax on the two hundred and fifty dollars."

[While he was making this speech his little boy Willie lifted a two- dollar greenback out of his vest pocket and vanished with it, and I would wager; anything that if my stranger were to call on that little boy to- morrow he would make a false return of his income.]

"Do you," said I, "do you always work up the 'deductions' after this fashion in your own case, sir?"

"Well, I should say so! If it weren't for those eleven saving clauses under the head of 'Deductions' I should be beggared every year to support this hateful and wicked, this extortionate and tyrannical government."

This gentleman stands away up among the very best of the solid men of the city--the men of moral weight, of commercial integrity, of unimpeachable, social spotlessness--and so I bowed to his example. I went down to the revenue office, and under the accusing eyes of my old visitor I stood up and swore to lie after lie, fraud after fraud, villainy after villainy, till my soul was coated inches and inches thick with perjury, and my self-respect gone for ever and ever.

But what of it? It is nothing more than thousands of the richest and proudest, and most respected, honored, and courted men in America do every year. And so I don't care. I am not ashamed. I shall simply, for the present, talk little and eschew fire-proof gloves, lest I fall into certain dreadful habits irrevocably.

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Perfect Wedding

Jennifer waved bye to her best friend Alice and started driving towards her empty apartment. Jen had spent whole day with Alice shopping for the wedding, making a guest list, deciding the seating etc.. Alice was getting married in 30 days and Jen was her maid of honor. Al was going to marry their best friend Mark. They had known each other for 20 years. Three of them did everything together and were inseparable. They had been through every thick and thin of life being each others support system.

Jennifer could not believe that her two best friends were getting married. She was thrilled for them but as much as she was trying to she could not subside the tiny feeling of sorrow that was rising in her. “No! I am not jealous,” she thought to herself. Everyone including Al and Mark thought Jenny would be the first to get married. She was beautiful, strong, loving, caring and owned a magazine company. In every way she was perfect for every guy. Since her childhood she used to make guys fall head over heels in love with her and they would do anything for her. The only guy who made her think of their future together was Edward. Edward was the only guy whom she ever loved and she wondered if she still loved him. She reached her apartment with the thought of Edward and just hit her bed. All night she kept dreaming of Edward and how much they were in love.

“May be, this will be the one,” Al said trying out her 100^th wedding gown and she said the same thing for every dress of hers. “So, is this the one?” Jen asked standing outside the changing room. She was fast loosing her patience but she herself had rejected 50 dresses which her friend had approved. She wanted Al to be the most beautiful bride with the most beautiful gown. Since they both were kids they had planned their perfect wedding and Jen exactly knew what Al wanted. She was ready to go through 100 more dresses to find that perfect dress. Al came out of the room saying “So what do you think?” Jen could not say anything as her friend was looking like an angel. She immediately had tears flowing down her cheeks and she muttered “Perfect!”

They had their lunch in their favorite coffee shop and went back to Alice apartment. It was a mess and Jen smiled knowing that Mark was about to get ear full about this tonight. “And now it’s your turn,” Al said pulling Jen into her bed room. She opened her closet and took out a beautiful red colored dress and gave it to Jenny. “Wow! It’s so beautiful,” Jen said running her hand through her dress which looked perfect on her. “I hope that atleast some people look at me. You look so beautiful,” Al said hugging her friend. Al’s two sisters were her bridesmaids and they would join her just before a week so Jen was the only one who had to help her with the wedding. Mark tried to help but he made things worse and Al had yelled, “Butt out!” Now all Mark had to do was nothing.

She kissed her friend and said bye to her and promised she would be on time to go and check out the place she was getting married in and mark would accompany them but had no right to make any suggestions. The deal was he could come with them only if he kept his mouth shut. After day long shopping she was tired. She took a bath and fell asleep as soon as she hit the bed. Today also like everyday Edward continued to be in her dreams. She missed Edward badly and she wanted to be with him. The next morning Edward was still haunting her thoughts. She tried to shake him off her head but she wasn’t successful at that.

“Isn’t this beautiful!” Al said. They were looking at the place Al had selected for her wedding. It was the same chapel her mom got married in. She always wanted to get married there. Ofcourse the chapel had gone through a lot many changes but still it was as beautiful as always. They had been their everyday in the week. Today Mark was getting to see the chapel for the 1^st time. All he did was nod his head to what ever Al said. Today was the day of final decisions regarding the decorations. Al and Jen decided everything and all Mark did was nod and give that approving smile. “Did you really like my ideas?” Al asked Mark after they were out of Chapel. “You are the best wedding planner in town and every one knows that,” Mark said kissing her on forehead. Al was the most famous wedding planner in town and many people were hating it that she was planning her wedding and wasn’t available for theirs.

“Where to?” mark asked starting his car. “The Pizza place that I love,” Al said turning to Mark and giving him a smile that would make him jump off a cliff. He nodded and they reached there in 30 minutes. All the while Al had played her favorite songs and finally picked out a song for their 1^st dance. She had booked Marks favorite band and it was a surprise for him. “Getting anyone for the wedding Jen?” Mark asked as he took a bite into the pizza. “Nope,” Jen said picking up a slice. Mark looked shocked. “The great Jennifer Collin isn’t dating anyone. That’s a shock.” Mark said staring at Jen and trying to read her expressions. She just smiled. “You are still not thinking of Edward. Are you?” Al asked. Lost in thoughts of Edward, Jen nodded. She looked up hoping that they hadn’t seen it. But both her friends were staring at her and she knew they exactly knew what she was thinking of. Al and Mark had always tried to avoid talking about Edward as they knew that their friend was still hopelessly in love with him and talking about him always depressed her.

Edward was close friend of Mark and he had introduced them knowing that they were made for each other. Edward and Jen hit it off immediately and they were in love within a month. They painted the town red with their love. They were never half as happy as they were when they were together. They adored each other and loved each other more than anything else in the world. They had even ignored Al and Mark a lot and spent most of the time together. They went on trips together. They did everything together. No one could ever see them separately. Alice had a hard time to get Jen for herself for a girls night out. Mark was never able to drag Edward to watch basket ball anymore. Everyone had thought that they would get married soon. They had been together for three years. Their families also approved of their love. And then they broke up. Their break up came as a shock to all. The reason was a bigger shock. Edward had proposed to Jen and she had said she needed time to think. 5 hours after this Jen had gone to say yes to Edward but was shocked to find him gone. He has just felt a note saying, “You have hurt me Jen.” It had been 2 years since then. They never heard from Edward again. Jen never forgave herself for what had happened and she was still in love with him. She loved him even more now. Al and Mark had fixed her up on various blind dates in past 2 years but she never went out with anyone for than a week. She was sure that Edward was IT for her and she dint even want to think of anyone else.

The following days were the most hectic for Jen. She dint have anytime to even think of Edward. Now he used to only appear in her dreams. She had thrown Al a bridal shower and for the bachelor party they had gone away for the weekend. As soon as she used to leave office she would meet Alice and they used to prepare for the wedding. On the weekends they along with Mark used to spend the whole day together. None of them had brought the topic of Edward again. This relaxed Jennifer a bit. Before she knew, it was time for rehearsal dinner. And tomorrow was the BIG Day. The whole day she kept reading lines through her head so that she doesn’t mess up the speech.

Finally the moment had arrived and she was blank. She was so happy that her speech went out of her brain. She said what she felt –“I had a speech prepared for this but now I am don’t remember a thing. This is such a big day not only for them but for me too. It’s wedding of not one but two best friends of mine. I have known them since 20 years and they ever never as happy as they are now. They have found soul mates in each other. I remember the perfect guy Alice had described to me when we were young. Mark is no where near that perfect man but he is better than him. I love you guys. I wish you both world of happiness. I am sure you will remain happy forever as you complete each other. And Alice please go easy on Mark.” The room cheered and raised their glasses. Tears were in eyes of Alice who never cried. Mark has always been expressive of his emotions so it dint shock Jen to see him wipe his tears off.

Jen stood and saw Mark and Jen dance their first dance as a couple. She was looking through the crowd when she found a familiar face and she stood there shocked. She was happily shocked to see him there. Edward walked up to her and said, “Red. My favorite color on you. You look as beautiful as ever.” Jen was struggling to find words. She was happy that Edward was there. She had so many questions to ask, so many things to say. She looked at Mark and he winked. “Shall we dance,” Edward asked her holding his hand out for her. She took it and started to dance with him. Being there in his arms was so over whelming that she broke down for millionth time that day.